Musings | Jenna's Everything Blog

My sister Heidi and her husband Mike, as the first bearers of the next generation in both families, get their pick of baby names. They have chosen the gosh darn best name ever for the Bun—good work, kids. Meanwhile, my sister Erica and I are stewing over the fact that there is 1 less awesome name to choose from for our future progeny, especially since we all seem to be going (or wanting to go) the biblical route. Stewing, I tell you! Well, at least we stewed together once–and Erica may well have recovered since then. And did we actually have this conversation I seem to remember . . . or am I making it up? Why is it so hard to remember any specifics all of a sudden? Did I dream this? It this an early onset of Alzheimers? Have I ever really talked to Erica before?? Am I losing my mind!?

Excuse me while I hop off the train tracks that lead to insanity and return to the mental forest of peace and little furry animals. Ommmmm . . . ommmmmm . . . ommmmm . . . Yes, I am taking you on a blogging journey through my brain, and I can only hope there are no casualties.

But moving on! The only thing I dislike about the biblical path is that there aren’t as many fantastic girl names to choose from as one might like, especially since I’m nixing Rahab up front. Great woman, but folks—she did start things off as a prostitute. And while I personally don’t hold that against her (and in fact greatly admire the woman), I sense that this child’s classmates, despite their general lack of biblical knowledge, would quickly zero in on the book of Joshua, discover this little tidbit, and use it to little Rahab’s detriment on the playground. And being called a “prostitute” . . . well, it’s no girl’s idea of a good time.

Ever since my sisters and I were little, the subject of baby names has been a favorite and controversial topic. At various points in my youth I wanted to name my children (who would inevitably be girls) “Tzeitel” (from Fiddler on the Roof) and “Anemone” (as in the plant thingy that grows in the ocean–or is it an animal? You never know with those weird tubular looking things). “Moonbeam” and “Starlight” were probably right up there for me as well. Heidi favored the name “Lilypad” (note to concerned family members: not a name in the running for The Bun–but only ’cause it ain’t biblical). However, Erica set me straight when she recommended the following names for my future children: Poofball and Explosivo.

You know, looking at Erica’s baby pictures, I think this one could have been called Poofball:

Poofball primping in the bathtub.

And this one could have easily been named Explosivo:

Explosivo sporting her first pair of high heels.

One summer many years ago, Erica and I sat down with a baby name book and garnered some brilliant ideas. I recently rediscovered the piece of paper on which we wrote them all down–interestingly enough, it was stuffed between the pages of a hefty hardcover Bible that I have long forsaken in favor of my smaller, purple, purse-friendly TNIV (or as I like to call it, my ‘Tiny NIV’). Does that mean something? Something about the authority of Scripture over the children we had planned all these names for? Something about naming your child Amos after the prophet and not Gewürztraminer after your favorite wine? Is it a sign?

I think it just means I didn’t want the list to get wrinkled in my purse, but you can never be too sure.

Anyway, the names on the list that follows were our absolute favorites, and I just know Erica and Dave will draw from this reserve to name their football-team posse of kiddos. I will put the meanings of these marvelous names to the right.

Carny Bertie Happy winning

Nutan Odelette Heart melodic

Pabiola Dajón Small gifted girl

Eppy Snooks Lively, always “on”

Smiley Gobnat Gobnat means “cuddly”

Dempsey Benedicta Respected and blessed

In a fit of inspiration, we added two gratuitous made-up names to the list which might just top the charts. I have added my personal interpretation of their meanings:

Kodak Klarkokardiac Photographic heart attack

Gladiola Laudiola Applauded garden flower

It’ll be hard to narrow it down, but personally, I’m thinking of going with “Smiley Gobnat”. I’ve always wanted a smiling, cuddly-faced child. Plus, we can call him “Gob” for short. Or her! I think “Gob” would work well for either gender. All I can say is, it’s a mad rush to snatch up the top baby names. A mad rush, I tell you.

These two munchkins could very well have been named Eppy Snooks and Nutan Odelette. . . though Eppy is not looking very “on”. I was probably grumpy because Erica got the cute little bear suit.

Yes, it’s taken me years to get over coveting that bear suit.

During Family Vacay 2010 we went out to breakfast one day.

Paul Bunyan’s Cook Shanty serves all-you-can-eat breakfast for . . . a hefty price, let’s say. But it was worth it for the doughnuts alone. I hereby nominate those doughnuts to become the State song. Or the State bird. Or the State whatever, as long as Wisconsin gives them a position of honor, merit, and blatant publicity. These doughnuts make Wisconsin a better place to live. In fact, they almost make up for the population of mosquitoes and spiders that this state also plays host to . . . almost. Let’s not go too wild here, now.

Let’s move past the doughnuts . . . for now. Paul Bunyan’s eggs are OK, their sausages are delectable, and their pancakes ain’t bad either. All the food is brought to the table family-style, and served on tin plates and cups. Kind of like you’re camping. Cast iron cookware hangs on all the walls, tempting you to make a grab for that gigantic Dutch oven that you really don’t think you can live without anymore. Amidst the rustic decor, fellow tourists chuggin’ down the coffee, and gift shop rarities, I learned a series of important lessons that I decided to bring to you on this lovely morning.

Lesson #1: Always give Steve the doughnuts first. He is full of dormant violence which starts boiling to the surface when he experiences the lack of doughnuts.

And don’t think his wife is any different either.

Lesson #2: when seated between a hungry sister and a hungry husband, use your fork to intimidate them into keeping their grubby little mitts off the freshly arrived scrambled eggs.

You have a right to those scrambled eggs. You are entitled to the full amount of those scrambled eggs. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. This is the land of opportunity! And when your opportunity is threatened, you must defend it with any utensils at hand.

Lesson #3: On your way back to your house from the Paul Bunyan experience, always stop at the local open-air flea market.

I mean, who couldn’t use some ‘foreign coins’? I know I’m always in need of all kinds of currency when I take my spontaneous jet-setter trips to Cancun or Barbados. And ‘rock slabs’? C’mon, you know you could use one of those to a) bake some gourmet bread on, b) lay the cornerstone for the hand-built mansion you’re constructing in your spare time, or c) bring to your weight-lifting class for extra street cred.

However, when you see visor caps with fur growing out of them, you must run far, far away.

Don’t be like me. Don’t make the same mistakes I made. The green fur is not “cute and funny” as you may think in the midst of your shopping high–it’s ugly and frightening, as you will discover as soon as you’ve spent $10 on it.

And no, I didn’t purchase the cap. It’s just a hypothetical scenario.

Lesson #4: Something about my sister and Steph being really cute and looking really good in shorts.

Note to self: investigate connection between cuteness and petite stature.

Lesson #5: When someone asks you “Whaddya think? Should I buy this rusty old piece of antique something or another?”

That’s your cue to start screaming at the top of your lungs “Oh the folly!!”, wrench the object from their hands, and take off running. Throw the object into the deepest lake you come across, smash it with that rock slab you purchased earlier, or bury it in the deepest hole you can carve out of the earth with your bare hands in the 1.2 minutes you have before the irate shopkeeper catches up with you. Your friend/relative is counting on you to save him or her from a poor shopping choice, and no measure is too extreme to ensure they don’t have this sorry piece of crap kicking around for the rest of their lives.

And for the record, this situation is also hypothetical; Erica in no way considered buying this. Plus, with a little paint it could be super cute.

Lesson #6: The stones and beads will try to draw you in. Don’t buy them! Unless you’re a disciplined jewelry-maker, they will just sit around looking bright and pretty in your drawers, on your desk, or in your refrigerator.