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My latest culinary failures

Once upon a time, I committed to only sharing recipes with you guys that I absolutely love.

No mediocrity allowed! This means that a good amount of my ideas for posts end up getting tossed into the virtual trash. I call them ‘the eliminated contestants,’ and today I’d like to take you through a tour of those recent culinary outtakes. I’ll have you know that I’m quite the optimist when it comes to trying a new recipe, so almost every single one of these recipe failures has a complete set of step by step photos, sitting forlornly on the hard drive.

I’m feeling quite introspective this morning, so I do have to ask myself, why do I feel moved to blab about my failures right before teaching a cooking class?

Huh. You know, that’s a good question. I’ll bring it up with my psychoanalyst a few years down the road, and I’m sure that subject will help pad his billable hours quite nicely.

But let’s begin!

1) Parmesan Chicken. The photo above reflects the effort, but the spectacular results I was hoping for didn’t quite crystallize. I have a feeling Parmesan from a can actually might work better than the thicker strands of freshly grated Parmesan that I used.

2) I was very excited about this Thai Red Curry, and almost certain it would be a winner. However, the end result had a funky flavor that I have yet to trace. Like maybe I accidentally dumped in a pair of socks after wearing them 5 days straight.

I will never be emotionally OK again . . . until I redeem myself by making red curry and making sure it rocks my mouth.

I want that o-oold time Rock n’ Roll . . . the kind of curry that soothes the soul . . . blablablablablablabla days of old . . . 

Alas for the fresh pineapple that I tossed into the mire!

Poor little guy.

And now that I think about it, I am missing a pair of socks that I really loved . . . nah, that can’t have happened . . . right?

3) A glossy page out of Martha Stewart Living promised me pillowy, fresh ravioli, so I did what any normal human being would do and quickly dropped a shocking amount of money on a pound of fresh crabmeat.

Things were looking good as I mixed the crabmeat with some ricotta, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes.

Things were looking even better as I assembled these adorable little crab packages, sealed them with an egg wash, and cut them into cute little circles.

All the prep work and photos probably took me an hour, which is much longer than I expected to be in the kitchen. However, for a delicious result, I was willing to invest that time. I sang a little song of joy.

. . . old time Rock ‘n’ Roll . . . the ra-vi-o-li that sooooothes the soul . . .

And then, the ravioli hit the pot.

And they got freaky-weird.

Floppy-like. What are you doing, you horrible looking alien being? And then they hit the lemon buttery sauce, and became greasy to boot.

I tried to make them look pretty on a plate and get a good shot of them before I realized how bad they really were.

It was one of those meals that I just had to throw away. Sorry Martha. However, I did throw it away into our blue Martha Stewart Collection trash can, so doesn’t that connect things nicely?

4) Let’s go to our next candidate:

This pasta dish promised to be awesome. It’s one of my few Tasty Kitchen letdowns so far. I still can’t believe it, since this is how it all began:

With bacon.

But wrong it did go, despite my disbelief. Bacon doesn’t fix everything. It was a paramount lesson.

5) Another recipe that bacon couldn’t salvage was this mac and cheese, made with American cheese singles. I’d be embarassed to share how high my hopes were, since my search for the perfect stovetop mac and cheese has been going on for years and years.

Put some bacon on top . . . and still not great.

Though quite photogenic, don’t you think?

6) While we’re on the mac and cheese train, this recipe was almost awesome . . . but not quite. I was excited because it had a different method of making the sauce, by reducing a pot of heavy cream.

The first bite or two were great . . . and then I don’t remember what happened. But I remember realizing I couldn’t get behind this 100%.

You know what’s crazy? Revisiting these pictures is actually making me want to give it another shot.

Food photography is a powerful influence over me. Even when I’ve been burned once, it draws me back for more pain.

8) Another mac and cheese disappointment happened when my friend Alton Brown told me to use evaporated milk. Great idea, Alton! I encouraged him.

Okay, so he’s not my friend. And though the texture was great, the flavor was simply not cheesy. Alton is great, but I can’t support his mac and cheese campaign. Sorry dude.

Believe it or not, I didn’t photograph this attempt–I’ve apparently become a Doubting Thomas when it comes to mac and cheese. No offense meant to you, Thomas–I can’t wait to get to know you in heaven.

9) This Chicken Stroganoff has potential, man. But it needs more ‘oomph.’ I’ll be playing with it and hopefully presenting a wonderful result to you guys down the road, because it’s close! Though you wouldn’t believe it from this picture of a kind of greasy looking mushroom. Oh well.

10) Last fall my friend Carrie and I had an apple butter making fest.

Neither one of us had any idea what we were doing.

We made more mistakes than I care to talk about, and were uncertain what to do with the apple peels once the apple wedges had cooked down and mushified.

We tried pressing the apple mush through a strainer:

That didn’t work out so well, so we transferred it to the blender and whizzed everything. Then we cooked it in the slow cooker, however we accidentally left the cover on. Hence, the consistency of the apple butter ended up more like applesauce. So I guess you could call it an apple sauce success, but an apple butter failure.

On the positive side, we got our first experience with canning. Our journey in sterilizing jars brought us from being incompetent canners to being only semi-incompetent canners by the end! It was great. 

So let’s recap the lessons learned:

1) Experimentation is fun, and even if it goes wrong, you usually learn something. For me, it was: stay away from ravioli. And maybe I should go into the lucrative crab business. And I love my Martha Stewart trash can. Wow, I really learned a lot, didn’t I?

2) Bacon doesn’t fix everything, but you can always pick out the bacon pieces and eat those before you throw away the rest of the dish.

3) Bacon fixes everything. I’m choosing to live in denial of the evidence presented above.

4) Stovetop mac and cheese is an art. Don’t be fooled by the whole ‘it’s a kid’s food’ thang. It’s a difficult beast to master, and if any of you guys can provide me with a winning recipe for it, I will seriously cry from gratitude. I will encase my salty tears and send them to you in a vial as proof.

So please do share–do you have the mac and cheese recipe I’m looking for? And how to you deal with your kitchen failures? Laugh and move on? Cry over spilt milk? Order a pizza? Tell me everything.

Jenna:

View Comments (41)

  • I fail a lot in the kitchen, but I think it's kind of funny, then I order a pizza or chicken dinner, so everyone wins

  • Oh dear, that mac and cheese with the reduced cream sauce looks very familiar. I hope MSMac didn't let you down like that. I've had great success making it. Although what I've learned is that you can't reheat it. So plan your portions accordingly.

    I've also made AB's stove top with condensed milk. I can't say I remember much about it though. Perhaps I'll have to cycle through the many mac and cheese recipes in my folders.

    Bacon doesn’t fix everything?????

    • Wendi, maybe I need to give it another try. What I remember (it's been a few months) is that the first few bites were great, and then it got clumpy quickly. If I recall correctly. Hmmm, maybe this calls for a take #2, because I definitely remember thinking 'this might be it' . . .

      • The last time I made MSMac was Thanksgiving and we lingered pretty leisurely over dinner. It does cool rather quickly, unlike oven mac, but we still powered through to the very last bite without complaint.

  • Re: the ravioli...I've never been able to make a good batch with those wonton skin wrappers--they always turn out watery and weird. You need firmer dough, I think. But I refuse to make my own dough, so I guess I'll stick with the purchased kind. :)

  • Martha's recipes almost always fail. She does not have a strong army of recipe writers, and I really doubt that they test them after they're written. Horrible. Maybe the ones that come out of the magazine are better, but don't just do a search on her site and pull something random off of it. Dizastah. ;) One of PDub's recipes set off my fire alarm this weekend. She cooks in that huge cavernous kitchen, so I'm sure she's never noticing that the high stove temps she calls for gets the excess pan oil really smoking.

    • It's too bad about Martha. Looks like she needs to hire you instead. =) And I've only been disappointed by 1 P-Dub recipe (the chicken with bacon and cheddar--I forget what it's called) out of the 20 or so I've made. Love that woman!

  • I had to chuckle reading this. I just posted about my failure in making a cake roll this week. Although the flavor was good...it looks horrendous!

    As for mac n cheese, I too love the boxed variety. I did post about a mac n cheese sloppy joe (yes a combo) dish that I made this week. yum. But the flavor of the sloppy joe meat helps the noodles with flavor. Not sure how it would taste without the meat (although my daughter eats it that way, sans meat).

    Anyways, thanks for the morning laugh! I love your blog!

  • Been there. Done that. lol - I think it is a sign of a great cook that you still have mistakes in the kitchen. You gotta try and not everything is going to work out. I should tell you about my short-cut sesame chicken bomb one day! :)

  • I love this post. It hits so close to home and I couldn't help but smile reading it.

    My last epic failure was making gnocchi. It had the consistency of spackling paste. I tend to try to fix the failures but it that still fails, it tends to help dousing it with sriracha, ketcup or some kind of sauce or condiment to make it palatable. Unfortunately with the gnocchi, it made my stomach so heavy it felt like I just ate lead.

    • UGH gnocchi was my worst kitchen disaster too!!! I had to basically pan-fry it to keep it together (boiling was just blowing it to bits), and the result was heavy and greasy. So sad :(

  • You are too funny! You make me laugh so much. I recently found a mac an cheese recipe that I like. It's easy to make because you don't have to cook anything on the stove top but boil the mac. I got it off the Internet somewhere, but I don't remember where. I changed it a little because I like spicy foods.

    Instead of a white sauce with cheese, it calls for milk and one egg. Simply layer the cooked macaroni on the bottom of the baking dish, then the grated cheese, and here's where I deviate by adding minced onion, a sprinkle of cayenne pepper, and then to the milk and egg I add dry mustard. Then pour the egg and milk over the top. I also sprinkle more grated cheese as the last layer so that it will brown a bit. If you want the measurements, I'll be glad to pass them on to you. This is basic, so maybe you have already tried it. It was called Easy Southern Mac and Cheese. Bake at 350 F. for 30 minutes or so...

    • Thanks Carol!! I've never tried this recipe--my husband is constantly calling for baked mac and cheese and I'm crying out "no, stove top! I want stove top!" I think I should capitulate and make the poor man what he's asking for. I have a couple recipes for the baked variety in the line up, and I'd love to put yours in there if you have time to send measurements.