Tag Archives: work

And then she smiled

The past few weeks have been hard. A combination of work, remodeling noise in the office that has interfered with Alice’s napping, and new mobility that has rendered her travel bed obsolete for naps in the office (she can crawl right out–and does!) has made me a little crazy. In the head.

Picture this: a baby is crying for all she’s worth, covered in snot. She’s exhausted but won’t nap, and is wailing like it’s the end of the world and mama has left town without her. The phone is ringing and it’s a customer who is particularly needy. My boss is leaving for a trip the next morning and at the last minute needs me to put a presentation together. Which I need to finish before he leaves the office in an hour so that he can print it (and yes, my baby is still crying). My boss bought lunch for us, but it’s 4pm and I still haven’t had time to actually eat it. I can’t mother Alice like I want. I can’t focus on work and get it done efficiently like I want, and I think my head might actually explode this time.

At the height of my mental chaos, when I feel like I’m about to fall into a hundred pieces, I cry out to God: help me. Sometimes that’s all I can do, but if I have a little extra in me, I add, keep me from sinning. Because I can sense that I’m about to scream, or swear, or give myself over to anger/despair/panic.

I trust in his providence that he is using this time to sanctify me. I always comfort myself during hard times by saying “God isn’t letting any of my suffering go to waste. He’s going to use every ounce of it to accomplish something.”

I’m not sure what, but he won’t let it be for nothing, I’m convinced.

And let me add on to this: I am so thankful. I don’t feel thankful when I’m caught up in the tornado of emotions of a bad day, but as soon as I have a minute to compose my brain and think a coherent thought or two, I remember that all of the things that feel like a disaster are actually a blessing. I have a healthy, gorgeous baby. Case in point:


I have a boss that allows me to bring her to work. Add to that a job that is normally quite calm and manageable.

I get to leave around 2 or 3pm every day and then work from home until 5pm. I get to work from home all day on Fridays. I have a boss who doesn’t mind the wailing of a baby, and has done absolutely everything to accommodate the two of us.

God is good!

And of course, when I see this little face, my heart sings.



And when she smiles . . .

DSC_0015. . . my cup not only overflows, but I see that it was overflowing all along.

Three months of joy

Alice is my delight. I didn’t realize, even in the days after she was born, how close to my heart she would become. How my heart would go pitter pat when I see that first smile of the morning. How if her nap goes on for longer than usual, I start missing her. Years ago when thinking about the possibility of having children, I used to think I’d skip babyhood if I could and move my kids right into the stage when they’re talking and interacting. After all, that’s so much more interesting and rewarding, right? But it turns out that I love that she’s a baby. There’s nothing as interesting as watching her move her little dimpled hands towards a toy or kick her little legs, and nothing as rewarding as her sighs and coos of pleasure as I breastfeed her, or her gurgles and “gaaaa”s when she talks to us about all her little baby feelings. I was a fool to ever even consider wanting to skip past this time. (Isn’t it great that God doesn’t leave those choices up to us?) And not only do I love that she’s a dimpled, double-chinned baby, but I love that she’s my baby. When we were saying goodbye to my family after Christmas, I remember getting a rush of joy when I thought “Thank God I don’t have to say goodbye to Alice–I get to take her with me!”

My three months of maternity leave, of which today is the last official day, have meant so much to me. Alice is my daughter, my buddy, my baby-love, my responsibility and my joy, and these months have been full to the brim of happiness.

I particularly remember that first week we spent alone, when she was 2 1/2 weeks old. My mom had left over the weekend, so Monday morning after my husband went to work, Alice and I had a whole day to ourselves–in fact, a whole week full of days to ourselves. And it was beautiful. Sunlight enveloped the living room in a gentle glow, and as I lay on the couch and nursed and napped with my baby, the quiet only broken by her little snorts and sighs, I really started falling in love with her.

Here are some shots of us at Thanksgiving, when she was a month old . . .

. . . and here are some taken just last week, at almost 3 months old.

I thank God that come Monday, when I go back to work, this little bundle comes with me; I don’t think I could do it otherwise. I’ll load up the car with diapers, wipes, blankets and pacifiers, and I’ll load up my heart with prayers for faith and peace and joy, and we will jump into this new phase together.

Have a great weekend everyone. Monday approacheth . . . but it’s not here yet!