Tag Archives: friends

What NOT to give someone for Christmas

I received a beautifully wrapped gift a few Christmases ago from someone who shall not be named. (Don’t worry–this is an acquaintance, and there is NO WAY he or she reads my blog. Um, I hope.) It had some heft to it, and based on the rectangular shape I figured maybe it was an awesome board game. Or a carved tray. Or something cool.

Then I opened it.

And it was . . .

. . . yes. A larger-than-life bar of chocolate.

But how great is that!” you may be thinking.

Let me clarify–these weren’t individually sized pieces of chocolate, ideal for consumption. This was one bar. Many, many pounds of chocolate, forged together into an unbreakable, un-bite-able plank. Entirely impractical for the following reasons:

1) You need special equipment to cut this thing. No ordinary knife was going to do the job.

2) How do you store it? Er . . . with a whole roll of plastic wrap?

3) Breaking off pieces would result in mess, mess, mess, with tiny chocolate shavings festooning the whole area.

4) It weighs a ton. And doesn’t fit easily in a cupboard. Or in any Ziploc bag I’ve ever seen.

5) Who eats that much chocolate???

Anyway, it was going to take way too much work to deal with this thing. Way too much trouble–and yet I couldn’t throw the thing away, because then I’d have guilt all over my face next time I saw this person. All I could think of was how to get rid of this thing as quickly as possible. Our next social event was a little Christmas party for our Bible study, at the home of Joe and Kathy. Joe and Kathy also happen to have 5 kids. I quickly hatched a plan to foist this bar of chocolate on them. Either directly, or by hiding it in the pile of presents under their tree.

I showed it to our small group and David, our Bible study leader, examined the monster.

It’s bigger than his head!

Way bigger.

We soon determined that someone needed to try to take a bite. That special someone was going to be Carrie.

I don’t remember if she was willing, or if my aggressive side came out and forced her hand.

Go Carrie go!

That girl is fearless.

And she has nice teeth.

Why can’t I have nice teeth like that?

Anyway, if she keeps gnawing on that chocolate she ain’t gonna have nice teeth for long.

So the conclusion of this little piece of Christmas history is this: unless you know that the giftee is planning a fondue party for 50 the following day, please think twice before purchasing a bar of chocolate of this magnitude for anyone.


Dear Aunt Vessie, love Alice

DSC_0153

Dear Aunt Vessie,

thank you for sending me this new outfit in the mail! When your package got here, we were so surprised. Mom put it on me first thing this morning.

DSC_0171

After my mom buttoned the last button, my first mission was to investigate Mom’s camera bag.

DSC_0186

I had to verify that my mobility was unimpeded.

DSC_0182

No troubles there. The leggings are nice and stretchy. The short sleeves leave my arms nice and free, and my baby hands are quite unobstructed.

What to do next? Obviously, it was time to blow some raspberries.

DSC_0190 DSC_0189

I’m pretty good at those, FYI.

I moved to the left, I moved to the right.

DSC_0161 Then I surprised my mom by pulling myself up on the side of the chair.

DSC_0155

Look Mom! I’m going to catapult myself off this chair! Won’t Aunt Vessie be impressed?

That mom . . . she was like “whaaaaa!?” Then I had to get down from the chair.

But that’s okay, because I had tons more to do in this outfit.

Like send a couple work emails for my mom on her laptop while I answered a call from her boss.

DSC_0223 DSC_0221 DSC_0219I’m pretty helpful like that.

“Ba,” I said. Then I added “mama,” and blew a raspberry for good effect.

I think the message came across loud and clear.

DSC_0215 DSC_0213

It’s important to communicate clearly and concisely in the business world.

Then I typed a few of my mom’s personal emails. “Yes, we’d love to have a playdate a week from Friday,” I responded.

DSC_0199

Except it came out more like “xhihdislnfduisl,” so my mom had to retype it.

DSC_0210 DSC_0208

Anyway, I can’t wait to see you, Aunt Vessie.

Well, I’m off to do my rounds in the bedroom: 1) Tug at laundry basket until it falls over; 2) Pull over small mesh trashcan especially if there’s plastic stuff inside; 3) Investigate doorstop; 4) Try to get under bed, and 5) Scoot into bathroom and try to make it to the toilet before my mom stops me.

By the way, did you know there’s a little plastic part on toilet bases that you can totally remove and put in your mouth? You should look at your toilet–you probably have one too.

Yeah, it’s shaping up to be a busy morning.

Love,

Alice

DSC_0168