Scripture passages from Judges 6, Judges 7, Isaiah 42, John 14, Isaiah 45
God, you’ve given so many of us signs you’re going to heal Heidi. And yet, instead of getting better, things have gotten worse … and worse. Complication after complication have knocked her down. Nothing has gone smoothly. Medications that were supposed to help her have failed. At first, God, I felt pretty certain I’d heard right–that you were going to heal her. But now, months have gone by. And I’m no longer as sure. Did you speak? Did we make it up? Why are you letting this drag on?
I long for you to speak to Heidi directly about it, especially now, as she’s just been readmitted to the hospital. What is your plan? Is it to heal her like we thought you said? Then tell Heidi.
She longs to hear from you on this, too. Remember when she was mad at you, and was like, “God, how come you’re giving signs to everyone else and not to me?” Remember how she grabbed her Bible and opened it randomly, right to her cornerstone passage of Isaiah 54?
That’s what I want for Heidi. More confirmations, like rain on thirsty ground.
I’m asking not for one, or two, but as many as it takes for Heidi’s heart to be strengthened and assured. Let them be clear signs that you are going to heal her, if we’ve heard right and that really is your plan. God, we’re fallible. We deceive ourselves. That’s my biggest fear–that we’ve played mind games with ourselves–that you haven’t spoken after all–that Heidi will die and all these so-called signs were just foolishness. Confirm your word to Heidi.
I feel nervous typing this. I can hear an argumentative voice saying, Aren’t you being awfully bold, Jenna? Enough is enough. You’ve gotten your signs? How dare you pray for more?
But I reject that voice. Do we ever tell a child, “How dare you ask your dad that?” No. Maybe their request is silly. Or wrong. Misguided, or selfish. But it is never a question of how dare you ask. God, you tell me to come bringing my needs. This feels like a need.
Then Gideon said to God, “In order to see whether you will deliver Israel by my hand, as you have said, I am going to lay a fleece of wool on the threshing floor; if there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will deliver Israel by my hand, as you have said.” And it was so.
Can you blame us, God, for craving this from you? Is it that shocking that we’re desperate to hear from you again and again? We’re weak and forgetful. The impact of things fades so quickly. The signs that at the time seemed marvelous now seem like they happened a lifetime ago.
Make them fresh in our hearts again. And speak new things.
And now I have told you this before it occurs, so that when it does occur, you may believe.
Tell us. Tell us again, clearly, tell us afresh.
I am the Lord, and there is no other.
I did not speak in secret,
in a land of darkness;
I did not say to the offspring of Jacob,
“Seek me in chaos.”
I the Lord speak the truth,
I declare what is right.
I don’t want to be whiny and needy and weak. But . . . I am needy. I have zero power, and zero control–but I have a Father with all the power and all the control. Don’t be mad at me for coming to you like this.
Then Gideon said to God, “Do not let your anger burn against me, let me speak one more time; let me, please, make trial with the fleece just once more; let it be dry only on the fleece, and on all the ground let there be dew.” And God did so that night.
You gave Gideon two clear signs. But even after that, when it came time for the battle, he was scared–and you knew it. So you gave him yet another sign–one that he didn’t even have to ask for. You knew his heart; you knew what he needed; you gave it.
That same night the Lord said to him, “Get up, attack the camp; for I have given it into your hand. But if you fear to attack, go down to the camp with your servant Purah; and you shall hear what they say, and afterward your hands shall be strengthened to attack the camp.”
See our fear, like Gideon’s? That the battle you promised to give us in victory might end up being a loss after all? Give us assurance. Give Heidi assurance. And while you’re at it, give it to Mike, and to my parents, and to his parents. Do I sound greedy? But I’m greedy for you, God–and for you to show up and make yourself heard to Heidi, and to anyone who hasn’t heard from you on this yet.
You alone know how to speak to each one of us. You alone know what it takes to make your voice heard to each one of us, through the noise of life and the doubts in our heads and the busyness that stops up our ears. So whatever way that is for Heidi, break through and let her hear you. Speak to her directly. Tell her about your plan–your specific plan for this cancer that’s devouring her body.
See, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth, I tell you of them.
Tell us before it happens, so that we can glorify you even more.
God, Heidi looks at her kids and mourns. She’s facing a future where they may not grow up with a mom. She can’t look at her kids without this terrible sorrow washing over her. Are you going to heal her? Is she going to be able to raise her own kids, like her heart desires so intensely? Speak to her.
Don’t be silent. I know at times you are. I know you can use time of silence to grow our faith. But please, break the silence. Speak. Let Heidi hear you. Let her know she is precious to you, and let her in on the plan.
Jenna, Heidi, Twinky :), dear ones… This Sunday our pastor preached from Genesis 15–the famous passage of the covenant to Abram, so often quoted in the New Testament. God promises him descendants as the stars and Abram “believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness.” Then God speaks to Abram again, promising to give him the land to possess. And vs. 8, “But he [Abram] said, ‘O Lord God, how am I to know that I shall possess it?'” What follows is the profound account of the LORD demonstrating for Abram through a vision of a smoking fire pot and flaming torch passing between halves of severed sacrificial animals in the form of an ancient covenant where God takes full responsibility on Himself to fulfill His promise. What struck me in studying the passage this time–I’m quite sure because your family is on my heart–was the fact that the amazing vision (that thrills theologians and informs the faith and understanding of God’s people about His nature for generations to come) was on the surface level in response to a “how am I to know?” question for clarification and faith bolstering asked by Abram. God did not seem annoyed by Abram’s question. He was so ready for it and overwhelmed him (and future generations of believers) with His response. Now Abram did first have to slaughter animals in a rather grotesque way, wait all day long driving birds of prey away from the sacrificial scene until God showed up on His own terms. (What was Abram thinking while he waited? Why the wait? God knows. Abram may have recognized the perfection of the timing as it played out… or not.) But wow. A response worth the wait. I am praying with you that God will reveal Himself specifically to Heidi, Mike, your/their parents. Jenna, when I first read and was processing your post weeks ago that shared the ways the Lord has spoken to you and others about Heidi’s healing, my heart was (is) caught up in all the ways you’ve described. I’ve seen God do things only God can do in my moments of crying out and Scriptures that came that I know were His words to my heart. I also know the concern of not wanting to be “putting words in God’s mouth,” and hesitating to share with others in case I’ve misheard or am interpreting the way I want to. I went off from that first reading of your entry with my heart burning, just wanting confirmation with you that God has spoken such to your hearts. I wanted to read the Bible, but I didn’t want to force anything. I thought, “what I am I ‘supposed’ to read today?” on my occasional “Bible reading plan for shirkers and slackers” chart I “follow” since I’m way more impulsive than scheduled about certain things in my life (that’s really what the title of the reading plan is called–I use it when I’m able and go back and forth from it). Well, it was the day for a few chapters in Chronicles–as in the geneologies of the early chapters. I thought “perfect–what are the odds of major reassurances about healing and answered prayers in this part of the Bible?” I knew I was already past the “prayer of Jabez” in chapter 4, so how much more applicable teaching could there be? But part of me couldn’t let go thought, “If God could use a section of Scripture like this to encourage me about anything Jenna has written about Heidi and the messages others have received regarding her healing, that would be impressive.” And I felt like I shouldn’t press that (again, the risk of just reading into things because I want them so much), and I didn’t make it “official”–I didn’t ask “show me God,” but I did think, “well, I mean, it’s possible that even in these geneologies there can be those surprising nuggets, so it’s possible there could be one thing that I might take as encouragement regarding Heidi’s situation–and that might just be me with wishful thinking–but I mean, if there were 3–that would be something, wouldn’t it?” I didn’t dare ask directly–I wasn’t as bold as Abram. But God knew my thoughts. So … in those early chapters of “son of… son of… son of…” I very quickly encountered a reference to King Hezekiah (1 Chron. 4:41)–the King of Judah who had prayed for healing and God granted His request and also gave him a sign. Just a reference to his name, but his name instantly triggered my memories of the Scriptural account of his life and sickness to death and God overturning it at his request. Reading on… “son of… son of…” there was 5:20 following a brief description of the warrior skills of the descendants of Gad, “And when they prevailed over them… for they cried out to God in battle, and he granted their urgent plea because they trusted in him.” (And they get a whole lot of livestock to boot!) God answers prayer and is honored when we place our trust in Him as you all are doing. Then lastly, in 6:56, a reference to “Caleb the son of Jephunneh” in dividing up the promised land to all these descendants. Caleb, who alone with Joshua, trusted that His powerful God would keep His promise even after spying out the giants and warriors of the land of Canaan when everyone else looked at the situation and said it was impossible. So, he was one of the few of that generation to himself enter the land and receive a special inheritance in it. I have mulled these over in my mind, wondering whether to share these as encouragements or just keep to myself to spur on my own praying. They may not be a direct revelation to me personally that Heidi will be healed (though perhaps an encouragement to that end), but certainly encouragements that you are in good company to be seeking and trusting God on this as you are, and encouragement to continue this pursuit rather than any sort of barrier of “don’t bother the teacher” when you are crying out for mercy to the Son of David, and that His word can be trusted. Perhaps because I wasn’t bold enough to ask God directly–to totally put it on the line–I wasn’t bold enough to share these Chronicles-prompted reflections when they first happened. But today’s prayer request just seems like the right time to share. May God speak clearly to many hearts and especially encourage and strengthen and quiet and comfort Heidi with his love for her today.
Laura! Thank you, thank you for sharing this. I love your seeking heart–and your humble heart. I dearly hope we can look back one day on your three things as signs that came true. I hope it will be so … so badly! (aaack, and right there in the potentially “barren” middle of Chronicles!!) But either way, I’m taking it today for what it is: a huge encouragement. You have me in tears. The good tears. Because the thing that I want most–God, his word, his love, his comfort–is here right now.
I keep going back to your comment. It’s like a sermon. I love it. Thank you for taking the time to write all this out. It continues to minister to me today and I know I’ll come back to it over and over.
First of all, your writing is so beautiful and you express so clearly things that many of us struggle to put into words. I truly believe that crying out to God from the deepest most honest places of our hearts is the best place to be. I’ll be praying for healing along with you as you fight in prayer for your sweet sister’s life!
– Jess Weber (Steve & Linda Kay’s daughter from EP)
Thank you Jess. It is a good place to be. Thanks for joining your voice to our prayers!! It means a lot.
I was so glad for your post today because it made me remember the Sunday School paper I had circled and left visible (as visible as anything is in the piles that accumulate of things I don’t want to forget to do!!) so that I would remember to tell you about Abram’s “how will I know?” The moment that hit me, I just kept thinking–I have to tell Jenna about this!!!