Built on Nothing Less

As I recover from my ectopic pregnancy and the ensuing surgery, there are ups and downs. Some days I feel like the worst is behind me, only to fall all the way back down into sadness the next day.

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot is what I want for the future. I’m tempted to just say, “I want another baby.” I’m tempted to let my daydreams go there when I’m feeling sad. But if I hang my hopes on that, I know it’s not going to be good. It will breed anxiety, probably disappointment, and a life-stealing obsession. It’s okay for me to want a baby . . . but I’m reminding myself of the wonderful words of the hymn:

My hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus’ blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly lean on Jesus’ name

I’ve been singing that over and over–out loud and in my mind–over the past 3 or 4 days. And it helps remind me to surrender. Every time I think, “I just want another pregnancy, as quickly as possible,” I have been disciplining myself to open my hands (sometimes with a real physical gesture) and say, “Lord, you know what I want, but I give this desire to you.” I dare not trust the sweetest frame–not even having a healthy baby immediately. Instead, I will trust his goodness and let that be what I hope in. I may have a baby in 9 or 10 months–I may never have a baby from my own body again. I can’t stand on the foundation of that hope, because it’s sinking sand.

I don’t want to become obsessed with being pregnant, bitter about other pregnancies around me, unable to rejoice over what I have right now–an amazing husband and daughter. I want to be overflowing with a hope that’s placed on the only firm foundation.

Another thought I’ve had comes from Proverbs 3:

Happy are those who find wisdom, and those who get understanding,
for her income is better than silver, and her revenue better than gold.
She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her; those who hold her fast are called happy.

Really? Nothing I desire can compare with wisdom–not even my desire for a wriggly, fat little cherub in my arms?

I’ve been thinking–if God gives me ten wriggly, cherubic kids but I don’t have wisdom, what good is that? He can give me the blessings I ask for–like more children, a job for my husband, etc–but if I’m a fool, what good is that? Then I’m just a fool with ten kids and more money.

I believe God is bringing and will continue to bring me wisdom through this loss. I want to treasure that . . . and I’m starting to.

I’m not done mourning. But the Spirit is comforting me through Scripture and hymns, reminding me: hope in Christ. Treasure wisdom. Happiness is not always where you think it is. Look to me.

7 thoughts on “Built on Nothing Less

  1. Erica

    I love you so, kiddo. This speaks to my heart. I thank God for you….and thanks for sharing the wisdom He is steeping into your heart and mind.

    Reply
  2. Pam Hdx

    Very wise words for all of us in our desire for things other than Him. Thanks for sharing your heart and speaking truth into all of us willing to hear.

    Reply
  3. Carmen

    Hi Jenna,
    I just wanted to reach out and say I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry I couldn’t step in and help out during this time. Even though I don’t have a family or a husband at the moment, your words in recent posts have truly touched me. Due to lots of difficult moments of hardship, I’ve always struggled to have faith and have a strong relationship with God. As horrible as it sounds, I’ve often found myself blaming Him for abandoning me or failing to help. The hymn and Proverbs 3 piece you included in your post provided me with so much hope and understanding. While I try to remember to trust in God and let Him guide me, I often struggle to do so, and these words helped me understand it in a such a beautifully profound way. Thank you so much for sharing them. I’ve always looked up to you and admired your faith. At the risk of sounding totally dorky, you’re like the big sister I never had whose cool advice I get to read on your blog from time to time. :) I’ll be sure to keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you heal.

    Love,
    Carmen

    Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      Oh Carmen! Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. =) You’re an amazing woman, and I’ll be praying for you to find peace and understanding about what’s happened to you and your hardships. There are good things ahead for you my dear!

      Reply

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