Two blue lines

Hi everyone!

So yesterday I alluded to exciting news. Well, let’s not beat around the bush. I’ll just lay it on you, and lay it on straight:

I’m pregnant! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.

I’ve been waiting soooo patiently to tell you, and now that I can finally spill the beans it’s such a relief. It’s been hard sitting on this news, and I feel like I’ve just been holding my breath in. Exhaling feels . . . amazing.

WARNING: If you don’t want to hear talk about periods and bodies and birth control and the like (ehem, gentlemen), you can just mutter ‘congratulations,’ look a little awkwardly at your left toe, and close your browser window. I’m not getting too graphic here, no worries there (though the words “period,” “cycle” and “blood” will appear repeatedly), but since I love hearing the details of pregnancy stories, I want to share the details with you guys and gals too! Plus, I gleaned so much from women who were willing to be open about their stories that I want to pay it forward to anyone else out there who may be wondering about . . . stuff. Right.

Anyway.

We decided last year that in September of 2011 we would start the “baby process.” In preparation for this, I stopped taking the pill in June 2011 and we used natural family planning during the summer. I’m so glad that the Spirit honed my instincts to make this decision, because it took my body 3 months to get a period again. Can you believe it? I mean, I was on the pill for 6 years, but I wasn’t expecting not to actually get a period until the end of September. Thankfully, September was the month in which we had decided to initiate Plan Babytastic. In other words, start trying.

“We’re trying.” Those words are so intense. When you’ve finally come to realize you want a baby, entering the “we’re trying” phase–even if you only say those words to yourself in your own mind–opens up a big old emotional . . . thing. Suddenly, you start a mental calendar. You start tracking how long you’ve been trying, and looking ahead to when you think the “we’re trying” might become “I’m pregnant.” Those words “we’re trying” hold the past, present, and future in tension with each other, saying clearly to yourself and to everyone “we’re ready to leave our old life behind and start a new chapter,” and more than that, “we are daring to hope.”

In an effort to keep his heart free from the anxiety that the hefty, weighty “we’re trying” can bring, my husband (and this is just my opinion–though who can fathom the mysteries of the masculine brain?) referred to the process not as “trying,” but as “seeing what happens.” His approach sounded almost like a casual flinging of the odds to the winds by a carefree spirit who wasn’t worried about the cycle of fertility, and definitely could have a baby if things panned out, but would be fine with whatever, really. I’m so happy he took this attitude. I encouraged this, because I didn’t want to make this a time of anxiety for him, or for us as a couple. But . . .

. . . in my little arrangement, I was counting days. There was no ‘casual flinging of the odds’ or losing track of the fertility cycle. Oh man was I counting days. I was counting days and making moves and making moves and counting days. Yup.

I tried to prepare my soul for this process. I coached myself on a regular basis saying, “It takes some people years and years to get pregnant. In the end, it might turn out that one of us is infertile. And there’s always the possibility of miscarriage. Just chill Jenna–just chill. Anything can happen.”

I didn’t dwell on these scarier realities for long or get myself down imagining the worst-case scenarios in high resolution detail (believe me, I know what it’s like to walk in fear, with the discouragement, dragging, and dreadfulness of it–that wasn’t what I was doing), but I wanted to make sure my heart didn’t leap ahead of reality, expecting to get pregnant immediately and for everything to go smoothly. I’ve had too many friends go through the pain of miscarriage for me to go into this assuming that nothing bad could happen to me.

Throughout everything, I tried to look at reality, recognize the possibilities, and then turn to God and say, “You are good. I trust you.” And move on.

Overall, I didn’t feel obsessed. I felt good, ready for anything. Trusting. Until my period came due every month. . . and then I would take a pregnancy test. Or two. They would be negative. I’d wait a few more days, and when that first blood inevitably showed up, my heart would sink. For a split second I would feel a rush of emotion and sadness, almost like an adrenaline wave–and then I would move on and start counting days again. Trying to look forward, not back.

When I heard other women announcing they were pregnant, in person or on facebook or by email, I had to make a conscious decision not to go down a certain path–the “what about me, God?” path. The “why does she get that blessing when I’m still waiting?” I could either let myself embark on a path of jealousy, dissatisfaction and whining, or genuine joy and thankfulness for their good news. With the help of God I chose the path of joy each time (and not thanks to my own strength–I know myself too well to claim that!), but I was always aware of the temptation to do otherwise, lingering on the sidelines. It wasn’t too hard yet, but I could see how every month was going to get a little more challenging as we waited.

Then, January happened. My cycle started on January 4th. I counted days, made moves, prayed for trust, tried to chill out, and generally succeeded in staying calm, living life, not thinking too hard about it. And then day 32 arrived. This was totally normal, since my cycles since September had consistently been 35 days. But I was getting impatient to know, so I took a pregnancy test anyway. It was negative, but . . . was that a tiny, faint, tiny, almost invisible line?? I bought another packet the next day and took another test. Clearly negative.

Oh well.

When day 35 came, I held my breath every time I went to the bathroom. Was my period going to start? Would I be able to quickly step through the disappointment and out the other side?

Then day 36, 37. Still no blood, but I told myself that meant nothing–just that when my period did finally start it would be a little harder to take. I examined myself for symptoms, but I really had none. I mean, my dreams were really vivid (something Heidi has experienced), but they’re always pretty dang vivid.

I told myself I was completely out of control with my heavy pregnancy test usage, and decided to wait until Valentine’s Day to take another. But on Monday February 13th (day 41) I just couldn’t wait any longer. I took one, and as the colors washed into the little circle and the little oval, a line started to appear quite quickly–then two lines.

I was pregnant.

My heart was racing. I got a rush of joy.

. . . to be continued tomorrow . . .

44 thoughts on “Two blue lines

  1. Liz

    Yay! I was hoping you’d announce on your blog this week. It takes a lot of energy for me to keep secrets! Tyler and I are so excited for you and Adam! Aaahh! Hopefully we’ll travel north for some baby time once the little alien gets done baking. Blessings, blessings, blessings to you, Adam and the alien (you’re calling him/her alien, right?) I’m praying for your strength, good health and Adam’s patience. =) Lots of love!

    Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      Actually we’ve been calling the baby the “Little Wa-wa.” It just kind of happened that way . . . though he/she definitely still looks a little alienesque! It will be awesome to see you and Tyler and introduce the baby to you . . . maybe late this fall?

      Reply
  2. Tobi

    Tears in my eyes, Jenna! I’m so happy for you!!! Along with the tears I also have goosebumps…This is my story word for word–everything down to the 35 day cycle! We started “seeing what happens” in January and as now, nothing has happened. My prayer is “Thy will be done” and that helps keep my emotional-mania at bay. Your story is so encouraging and joyful. Thanks for sharing it!

    Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      Aw, thanks Tobi!! Wow–it’s so funny that we have the same story. That’s exactly why I wanted to share in some detail, for mutual encouragement. I’ll be praying for you!

      Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      It was great meeting you too, Kelly! Hope you enjoyed the girls’ dinner at Demera, and looking forward to rocking that half moon with you again next week!
      By the way, I checked out your blog and your kitchen looks AWESOME. I wish I had that eye for color and design!

      Reply
  3. giselle

    Congratulations! I’m so excited for you and Little Wa-wa!!! I can’t wait for more details!!! This is so exciting. =)

    Reply
  4. Sarah K.

    I love the way you were able to capture all of the “we’re trying” emotions and express them. It’s such a tornado of feelings sometimes. How Adam felt was EXACTLY how Steven was expressing stuff too. Thanks for sorting through everything enough to be able to verbalize it and for maintaining such a Godly perspective on sharing others’ joy. You’re an encouragement to me. Can’t wait for the fall and play dates with our little ones!!

    Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      Thanks Sarah! You’re an encouragement to me too–your openness with your journey has been a huge blessing to me, and that’s part of what motivated me to be open about ours.
      And play dates–they’re going to be awesome. =)

      Reply
  5. JenB

    Oh Jenna! I really am so very glad that you and Adam are going to have a li’l tyke in your life. You two are going to be awesome parents. I really am so VERY happy for you. May God bless you with a wonderful season of pregnancy and may he fill both you and Adam with wisdom and discernment as you anticipate this new adventure.
    Also, thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
    1. JenB

      P.S. Pictures. We WILL be needing pictures of you, especially as you start to show. Oooh, Jenna! You’re gonna be such a great pregnant li’l mama — I mean you ARE!

      Reply
    2. Jenna Post author

      Yaaaay! I’m so glad that the internet is allowing me to share our journey with so many of the people that I love–like YOU! You’re awesome, Jen. And I wish you weren’t so far away, because I’d totally want to hang out with you all the time.

      Reply
  6. Suzie

    This is wonderful news Jenna, congratulations to you and Adam! Looking forward to more of the story, pictures and this new journey you’re on :)

    Reply
  7. Ellen

    Jenna,
    I am incredibly happy for you! I pray for you and Adam and I am so glad that the Lord has blessed you with such an wonderful gift! I wish you all the best!

    Happy Motherhood!
    Ellen

    Reply
  8. Hannah

    This is tremendous news!! I love your blog and so it is going to be awesome to follow this journey with you! I already know you are going to be amazing at this whole thing… if you ever start to feel overwhelmed, just remember you are in the midst of a big job… its ok to be tired and take things slow… you are growing a real live person!! How exciting is that?!!

    Reply
  9. asmara

    Enhorabuena Jenna!!!!os deseo de todo corazón que todo vaya bien,estaré muy pendiente de las nuevas entradas del blog.Justamente hace un mes que mi novio y yo decidimos ampliar la familia pero no ha habido suerte….habrá que tener paciencia….Besos a los dos.

    Reply
  10. Jenny @ Words On Wendhurst

    I am so beyond excited for you. When you announced on FB I was really, really hoping it wasn’t an April Fool’s joke. Luke and I were just talking yesterday about how awesome having Javi is, and how impossible it is to explain. All I can say is, no matter how hard, you will never regret this. :) So happy for you and Adam!

    Reply
  11. Veronica

    If I hadn’t had any warning, I think I may have had a heart attack reading the blog title. Seeing your pic on facebook, I was like “Is this an April Fools prank?” lol! You did really well hiding it–I would have gone nuts! I love that you’re sharing so much about your story and not just making a generic announcement–this makes it so interesting and I’m looking for tomorrow’s continuation. Be well and blessed and CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so happy for you both (or, really, for your three, because this is one blessed baby to find its way into your womb and family!). Love, v

    Reply
  12. Lindsy

    Congrats!!!!!!! I’m so excited for you!! It is the best thing ever. I totally know how it feels to wait for that positive test (don’t know if you’ve read any of my history before Jude, but he was a difficult one to get pregnant with), but God knows the PERFECT timing and it is so amazing. :-) I can’t wait to read more!

    Reply
  13. Pam Hdx

    Woooohooooo!!!! Soooo thrilled for you!!!! AND I conceived both of my girls in January and loved having October babies.:-) BTW, Lindsy has absolutely hilarious dreams when she’s pregnant. You’ll have to get her to share a few. Congrats, sweetie!:-D

    Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      I went back and read about her pregnancy with Jude (yes, every single blog post =), and it was lots of fun to follow her whole story, crazy dreams and all!

      Reply
  14. Kathryn

    Jenna! Congratulations!! I’m so excited for you! Pregnancy is such an adventure! (And of course, the parenting part that comes right after it…:)

    It looks like I’m just a few weeks behind you (I’m 11 weeks today) and I’m really excited to read your posts and compare experiences via blogland. :) You guys will be in my prayers and I wish you all the very best!

    Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      Wow! A 3rd little Stafford–that’s so exciting! Congratulations, and thanks so much for your prayers. =)

      Reply
  15. Kate

    I’m so happy for you. You won’t believe it’s possible to love something so much. It took me 1.5 year to get pregnant and I remember a particular kind of “insanity” setting in. I remember the pain of others telling me they were pregnant. Thank God it happened. I was pregnant again when my first was 4 months old so be careful! You know I’m in the neighborhood and teach Mom/Baby classes. If http://www.rie.org/educaring resonates with you, I’ll give you more info.

    Reply
  16. Whitney

    So, SO excited!! Can’t wait to see all the posts of your growing little bump! Congratulations A & J!

    I’ll be in Chicago in June so maybe I can see it in person :-)

    Reply
  17. siphosetu mqikela

    hi Jenna, would love to thank you for sharing your experience with us. i admire that you seem quite happy about your pregnancy and i wish i would feel that way too about mine. i try though..

    Reply
  18. Hannah Iway

    Hi Jenna, you and I gave birth on the same year (2012) and I’m sure you’re enjoying more and more with your princess, mine is a girl as well. I found your page as I was searching for pregnancy stories because, well, I’m pregnant with baby no. 2! Thanks for sharing your stories, I enjoyed reading. I just hope my pregnancy will be OK this time so I can share my story in my blog as well.

    Reply
    1. Jenna Post author

      Aw, that’s wonderful! Congratulations on your pregnancy. And yes–I’m SO enjoying my little girl. She turns 3 at the end of the month and she is such a delight to spend time with.

      Reply

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