A simple sickness-spreading tutorial

I’ve been sick. My cousin Steve and his wife Steph brought the dreaded infection with them to Family Vacay 2010 and proceeded to send it my way. My only regret: that I didn’t make a recording of my voice when it was a phlegmy, hilarious bass. I thought about it, and how funny it would be to post on my blog. But I was too sick to see any value in the “butt off couch” effort. Ah, another amazing blog post idea bites the dust of disease.

The way to tell that I was really sick and not faking it:

1. At work on Monday, I neglected to read the Pioneer Woman’s blog in my free time. This is unprecedented.

2. I did not have my morning coffee, or any coffee at all.

3. My desire for popcorn was at an all time low.

4. I had zero desire to blog, and couldn’t understand why I ever thought it was fun.

But I’m not here to complain, so let’s get to the fun part! Two huge perks of being sick were as follows:

1. I cracked out all my Vicks products–my Vicks tissues which I’ve been saving for over a year for just such an occasion:

. . . and the Vicks VapoRub my husband bought for me.

I held off spending $8 for it all year long, with the agreement that we could splurge when I was truly sick. One may say I induced the sickness just to get this marvelous product in my hands. I want to bathe in that stuff every hour, on the hour. And put a permanent coat of it on the inside of my nostrils, which the warnings and instructions clearly forbid–but what do they know about the pleasure of menthol, camphor, and eucalyptus taking over your sinuses in sweet waves of delight?

I’ve considered starting my own Vicks Sanatorium right here in my living room. Between the tissues and the VapoRub, people are bound to have miraculous recoveries pretty much constantly.

And no, Vicks did not endorse this post–though hello, Vicks? Please never discontinue these products. Or I will be forced to stockpile them in a large cellar of my own creation. I will dig it with my own two hands.

2. My husband did all the cooking. He made this fantastic pot roast last night courtesy of the PW. Talk about comfort food. He also served me tea, that pink medicine that dissolves in water, and rubbed my back. Mmmm.

But enough blabbering. The real reason for this post is to present a short, effective way to spread the sickness. If you are sick and would like to pass it on to your fellow compatriots with maximum efficiency, please see the following instructions.

WARNING: Do not cover mouth area with hand during any one of the following 4 steps.

First, I’d like to introduce you to our friendly demonstrator who has volunteered to walk us through this simple tutorial:

Let’s call her Ponytail Jane.

1. Open mouth

2. Open mouth wider

3. Extend neck towards general public (a.k.a. your “disease target”)

4. With neck extended, wag head back and forth while coughing vigorously

At this point, some do-gooder may start rushing about to sanitize the area. They are trying to kill the germs you have just launched from your own body–don’t let that happen or it all will have been fruitless striving. Your job is to take them out as quickly as possible. An unexpected uppercut to the jaw should do the trick.

Say what you will, but I’m proud and glad to have helped the sickies of today create the sickies of tomorrow. And since I like to think that any guest contributors will get a warm welcome on my blog, everyone please thank Ponytail Jane for participating.

3 thoughts on “A simple sickness-spreading tutorial

  1. Twinky

    I have also finally succumbed to the dreaded Family Vacay Virus 2010…. and today did only occasional fructiferous activities (folding clothes, making dinner, writing this comment) between naps, nose-blowings, sneezings, and general lethargic lying-about.

    Reply

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